I'm so cool..

So remember this post? Brian actually did well and got this for me for Mother's Day. I'm so impressed he got something that I wanted and even before the holiday. He actually didn't mean to give it to me this early but he accidently opened the package when it came in the mail. Either way, I'm excited to finally have this shirt!

Adios Fiesta!

So our vacation to Fiesta...oops I mean conference to San Antonio went well. Here is a picture of our group while still warming up to the fiestivites on Friday night. We did pick up the lady in the orange. She is from the Galveston Poison Center. We all agree that we want to adopt her to the Poison Center in Temple. I think that might be a hard sell considering all we have is Lake Belton and no real beaches.

As far the rest of our time we decided that whatever happens in San Antonio, stays in San Antonio. :)

Viva Fiesta!

So I'm on my way out of town in the morning to go to San Antonio. No we are not going on one of our mini vacations that we have planned for the summer. I'm going out of town for a HAZMAT training with most of the people that I work with. I'm rooming with my friend Amy. Amy is the mom of 5 girls. She is like Super Mom on crack. She home schools her girls and even works at the Poison center. Her youngest is William's age so at one point she was also breastfeeding, doing cloth diapers, and I think making her own baby food (though I was really trying to talk her out of it--she has enough on her plate). I really don't know how she does it all. The best part of having Amy as a friend is that she is real mom. She doesn't try to act perfect like Bree Hodge . I think Amy and I are more like Lynette Scavo meaning we are their for our family and friends and forget to take the time for ourselves. That is why I'm excited to have 2 days with no hubby or kids. It might be training for work but I see it more as a girls weekend and we need it! Heck if you have to be at a conference you might as well do it right. I booked us rooms here and this weekend just happens to be the last weekend of Fiesta!

Oh--can you tell that I'm excited that the writers strike is over! All of my shows are back with new episodes. Don't forget tonight Grey's Anatomy is back!

Hell Has Frozen Over

Last year my brother made the decision not to apply to medical school and changed his career path to pharmacy. The main reason for his decision is that he wanted a career in his life but not for his career to be his life. He is really focused on having a family one day and wants to really be involved with his kids. For only being 23 years old he really does have his head on straight. I can't wait to finally meet the girl that catches my brother. She is really going to be lucky! Jon found out about a month ago that he was accepted to Texas Tech but had also applied to The University of Texas. If you would have told my brother 2 years ago that he would be trying to get into tu he would have just laughed at you. The boy was in the Fightin Texas Aggie band, bugle rank, and a Ross Army Volunteer. He truly bleeds maroon. Saturday morning Brian woke me up to tell me that my cell phone had a text message and it said "Just check my email...Got in!". So hell has frozen over. Jon is leaving Aggieland and going to tu. I think its safe to say he won't be bleeding burnt orange any time soon.

I'm the one that is going to need sedation

If you have been on the kids' website than you know that Allyson is scheduled for tubes in both ears on Tuesday. Allyson has been telling me for about the last 6 weeks that she needed a hearing aid. I just naturally assumed that she wanted hearing aid because she goes to school with twin boys that have hearing aids and she just wants something that she doesn't have. I never actually thought she really needed them. When the doctor came in with her hearing results Allyson asked him if she can "get one of those" as she cupped her hand around her ear. The doctor replied that she might actually need one. My heart just sank. I know that there are worse things in life than your child wearing a hearing aid but I just thought that we have gone through our share of stuff for a while and wondered if we were ever going to catch a break. The doctor said we need to schedule surgery as soon as possible to release some of the pressure on the eardrums so that we wouldn't have any permanent hearing loss. I almost just broke down in tears. I know for him that this is a routine procedure with little risk but when it is your child it just doesn't feel that way. I wasn't concerned so much with the procedure as I am with my child being sedated. I asked about the medications, the dosage, and wanted to know what the absolute worse thing that could happen. I mean ABSOLUTE WORSE. He proceeded to say really nothing but that rarely things happen. I told him I needed to know what those rare things are because I feel like if something rare is going to happen it will happen to me. In my head I'm reacting like my child has been diagnosed with cancer. I know that it's just PE tubes and that everything will be fine but I just have to deal for know with my own crazy thoughts.

Greetings from Under My Rock

I just wanted to thank everyone for their phone calls, emails, and cards this week. I know that I haven't gotten in touch with everyone but truly things are okay. I've just been busy with life. I just think this week I scheduled myself to be extra busy just so that I wouldn't be stuck at home with my thoughts. When all of my close friends have asked how I've been doing this week my light hearted answer has been "Well nothing that a little time in the gym and some Xanax won't fix". Well, I now realize that my friends who are pharmacists are now a little shall we say concerned with my reply. Just to set the record straight I'm not "abusing or using benzos on a scheduled basis". Last weekend I finished the bottle of Xanax 0.25 mg #60 that was prescribed for me the day Andrew passed. I got a new bottle and used 5 in the past week. So don't worry girls I don't think 65 tabs in 2 years is an "abuse situation" considering the first 3 days after we lost him I probably took "more than prescribed". I know I'm really putting myself out there for this one but I just wanted take care of any unnecessary worrying that might be going on. Trust me, I'm okay and I'm not "under my rock". I've just busy with life and enjoying my kids. Have a Great Weekend!

On The Other Side

If I were on the other side of this blog and hadn't walked this journey of loosing a child, I would still be acting like I had it all together.

... I would still be worrying about my house being clean instead of sitting on the floor and playing with my child.
... I would still be easily sidetracked with the latest news or gossip instead of investing in mine and others' eternity.
... I would still be thinking about how mundane my days can become instead of how lucky I am to be home and watch my child grow.
... I would still be concerned about how close my children are in age instead of how much they could love each other.
... I would still be frustrated when my child is sick or needy instead of how thankful I am to have a healthy child that can challenge me.
... I would still be talking a hundred miles an hour instead of listening to truly understand.
... I would still be saying I am going to pray for you and getting too busy and forget.
... I would still be worrying about my agenda for life instead of listening to God's.

If I were on the other side of this blog, I would think "she sure has been through a lot" and "I feel so sorry for them" and quietly be so thankful that it wasn't happening to me.

But then...

I wouldn't have been blessed to see the face of my first son.
I wouldn't have known such tremendous love and such devastating loss.
I wouldn't have been able to see how the Lord can work through such uncertain times.
I wouldn't have been brought to my knees and my face in prayer.
I wouldn't have had this heart for families that have lost a child.
I wouldn't have known what it meant to truly long for Heaven.
I wouldn't have understood peace that passes all understanding.
I wouldn't have met such amazing people that have strengthened and sustained me.
I wouldn't have been overwhelmingly surrounded by friends and family.
I wouldn't have known the meaning of being united in everything with my husband.
I wouldn't have had such a beautiful way to share about Heaven with Allyson and William.
I wouldn't have witnessed how God can dramatically answer prayers.
I wouldn't have been on the receiving end of such love and service to our family.
I wouldn't have realized how short, yet precious life can be.
I wouldn't have understood what Christ means by trusting Him in all circumstances.
I wouldn't have felt the Lord carry us as we persevere under trial.
I wouldn't have been able to share our testimony of His faithfulness with so many people.
... I simply wouldn't have understood how God's plan could be fulfilled through a baby that just lived an instant...

I wouldn't have known my Andrew.

If I were on the other side of this blog, I would still be a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend that sought to understand suffering and trials... Now I can be that person, because I do.

Two years ago my sweet boy got his wings and will forever be my angel. I love you and miss you.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Happy Birthday Andrew

Dear Andrew,

On the day you were born all of our dreams came true. You were the completion to our little family. What we didn't know at the time was that you were better and that you were more. You were are special baby that was truly too good to live on this earth with man. God truly gave us a wonderful blessing the day you came into this world.

Andrew, we are so grateful for the time we had to be your Mommy and Daddy here on this earth. We will always remember the precious moments that God gave us with you. We are honored to be your parents and were were privileged to have the chance to hold you as you left this earth for your journey into our Lord's kingdom.

Everyday without out you is a little more bearable but there is just so much of me that still feels lost. Some days I just don't know how I will go one without you. We think of you every day and you will always be part of our family. On days like today I think of your every hour and recreate the moments we had with you this side of heaven. But for now I can only imagine you surrounded by God's glory and walking in His presence! I can only imagine that one day I will be reunited with you again in Heaven - and all the pain of missing you will disappear - FOREVER! One day our family will all be reunited in heaven.

We will never forget you, my beautiful boy.

We love you and miss you.

Mommy


"You will never be completely happy on earth simply because you were not made for earth. Oh, you will have moments of joy. You will catch glimpses of light. You will know moments or even days of peace. But they simply do not compare with the happiness that lies ahead."
Max Lucado

12:01 am..Happy Birthday Little Man

It was almost midnight when I finished my last post and as soon as I finished my post William woke up. Over the past year I have never once truly complained about getting up with William in the middle of the night. The year after Andrew passed when I was pregnant with William I spent countless nights awake. The majority of my time was spent crying, grieving, and praying over William. I would sit in my rocker and just hold my belly and talk to William, to Andrew, and to God. I truly cherished every moment I was pregnant with William. I was terrified that the only time I would have with him would be while I was pregnant. I wanted to remember every moment of it. I'm truly so happy and so blessed to now have these nights awake with my little man. Tonight as I was rocking him back to sleep I looked at the clock and it was 12:01 am. It is now officially William's first birthday. As I laid William onto my chest I softly sang the Happy Birthday song to him. As I was singing to him he lifted his head, barely opened his lttle eyes and smiled at me. He then laid his head on my chest and put his hand on my face. As a mom it was priceless. I know today like many milestones we will have before us will be bittersweet. I alway take the day and focus on my children and the special day but sometime in the day I will take the time to just let my crazy thoughts take over for just a moment. Today, I will wonder what characteristics the boys would have shared and imagine what Andrew would have looked like at his first birthday. Today is William's big day but just for a moment I will need to be alone with my crazy thoughts.

I can't believe it has been a year and all I can say is thank you

As I laid down to go to sleep tonight I started to think back to what I was doing exactly a year ago at this time. As I looked at the alarm clock all I could do is just smile. When I looked at the clock it was 11:30. It seems like everyone has those certain dates or times that they will always remember. Over the past 2 year I have many dates that stick in my head. The first being March 18th which was the day of Andrew's baby shower. April 4th was the day I did my Group B Strep exam. April 7th the day I felt that I was leaking fluid and really started to feel like I had a black cloud over the pregnancy. Of course the 14th and the 15th of every month is hard. Not only do days have special meanings even the time of day does. Examples are 7:15 pm the time Andrew was born. 5:05 am the time I went into the nursery to spend the first and last 2 hours with him alive and not on life support. 2:05 pm the time Brian was asked to call the time of death and to stop all life support measures. But on the brighter side the time of 11:30 on April 3rd does bring a smile to my face. On April 3rd I was supposed to report to the hospital by 11 pm to begin antibiotics before my induction the following moring. Brian was on a flight coming home from Boston and Mom and Kirby were going to take care of Allyson that night. Elizabeth and Sam came to my rescue to help me pass the time before I was going to be admitted to the hospital. Elizabeth showed up that afternoon and the family went to eat Mexican food. Being 9 months pregnant and knowing that it was going to be a while before I has another meal nothing was off limits (well except for the margaritas). After dinner I went home finished packing my bags and getting Allyson settled in for the night. Even then I had so many emotions. I was so excited to have another chance of having a baby yet terrified that something tragic would happen all over again. I was also worried about leaving Allyson for so many days. Before this night I had only been away from her for one night and that was the night I had Andrew. I was so worried that something would happen to her while I was in the hospital focusing on William. But like so many times during my journey I had to just pray and put everything in God's hands. Before going straight to the hospital Elizabeth, Sam, and I made a detour to the bar at Applebees. What a sight to see two attractive girls bringing there much pregnant friend to a bar at 11 o'clock at night on a Tuesday. The conversation was light and just what I needed to get through the emotional rollercoaster that I was riding. We were there for a couple of hours and I really enjoyed myself considering the situation and even with no alcohol on my part (though I can't say the same for my "designated driver". :) )At 11:30 I got a call on my cell phone. Brian was calling me to tell me that the hospital was looking for me. I thought that was hilarious. This baby has been inside of me for 39 weeks and they are calling me because I'm 30 minutes late. I was thinking to myself it will be a long time before I can do this again so let me take advantage. None the less we were about finished so we headed up to the hospital. Elizabeth spent the entire night with me while I got my antibiotics and as they started the induction. All I can say about that night was it was a night filled with laughter and crazy conversations. I can truly say that from the moment Andrew died until about six months after William was home many things just seem like such a blur. I was going through the motions of day to day life but I was completely numb inside. I really don't remember all the little details of everything that has occured during that time. At this time I just want to thank Elizabeth and Sam (and Sherri who was there by phone) for taking the time and being with me that night. This post does not even begin to describe how much you all being there for me truly meant to me. Thank you for being there during that difficult night and thank you for staying by me during my journey.

Sometimes you just have to rag on your own profession

So if you have read the post on the kids' website than you know that William's ear infection was not resolved in his right ear. Since the child now has a rash that covers his entire body after being on the Amoxicillin the pediatrician thought it would be wise to try a different class of antibiotics. So last night after work and after running about 2 hours of errands I finally went to pick up his prescription at 10 o'clock at night in the Walgreens drive thru. I have had issues with this pharmacy for the past 3 years because I have never been counseled on any medications that I have ever picked up and don't know if I have even seen the same pharmacist twice. Anyway tonight after getting home with his Omnicef 250 mg/5ml I went to draw up his syringe to lay out for Brian to give his medications in the morning. The direction said " Give William 3 teaspoonfuls by mouth daily for 10 days". Okay I know I'm tired and its been a long day but come on who in the heck filled this?!? I called up to the pharmacy and asked to speak to the pharmacist. I didn't tell her that I was a pharmacist but just told her that I just picked up William's Omnicef and could you please go over the directions with me. She proceeded to tell me she could see my concern but in defense to the pharmacist who filled it looks like it was written for 750 ml so that would be 3 tsp and then she stopped talking. Was she for real?!? I finally told her that I was a pharmacist and based off of his weight that the dose should be 146 mg so I'm sure the doctor wrote it for 150 mg and not 750 mg. I then told her that maybe it would be wise to just give him 3 ml tonight instead of the 3 tsp! All she kept saying was it really looks like a 7. Okay is she for real? Of course I was never counseled on the new prescription so she didn't even catch it when I picked it up just 20 minutes before the phone call. I know that even it he got the 3 tsp if wouldn't have been life threatening or anything but what if it was cough medicine or something that could be dangerous? I know that retail pharmacist are over worked and all of that but even if you are busy you think even you would questioned giving a child and even more a baby anything that was 3 tsp at a time. All I can say is come on! I'm not worried about my kids but what about all the lay people that don't have any knowledge about this. It just makes me upset about how she just tried to gloss right over the issue. I wonder if I was just a person with no medical background calling up there would she have convinced the person to give their child 3 tsp of the medication because the prescription looked like it was written for 750 ml instead of 150 ml? I just haven't figured out how I'm going to handle this but first I just need to calm down.

What a Beautiful Blog

A few months ago I found this blog on blogspot and was following it for a few weeks. As with most things in my life I get overwhelmed and forget about somethings I had been doing (almost like the forgetting to take care of myself for the past 2 years). Out of the blue this morning a friend sent me a link to the blog I had been following. Please go take a look at her journey. I think it is absolutely amazing how she has journaled about her journey. I have tried to do this myself but just didn't always have the emotional strenght to do it. All I can say is what a beautiful blog.