Andrew's 3rd Angel Anniversary

I have to say that after this week I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted. I have no more energy to write about my feelings but I'm just to the point that I'm just numb. Some days it feels like loosing Andrew just happened and others it feels so far away like it was almost a dream. I have nothing more to say about today. Life is so unfair and I don’t understand the “whys” of it all. But I do know that God is faithful, no matter how I feel in the moment. I am convinced that He is the answer. I decided to share one of the poems that was read at his funeral.

God, Take This Child....

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It's hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It's hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we've cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.

God, take this child in your loving arms.

No more can he suffer any harm.
Bless him always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through

Happy 3rd Birthday Andrew

If I could repeat only one day of my life, and then return to where I am right now and have everything be the same, I would repeat that day in a heartbeat, just to hold him one more time.

Dear Andrew,

I can't believe three years has passed since the day you were born. I miss you more than words could ever express. It is so hard to not have you here with us. Daddy and I would love nothing more than to be able to still hold you, kiss you, snuggle with you, and tell you how much we love you. We're sad that we can't take you out on the park, go on walks, or watch you play with Allyson and William. We just miss you so much. Since you aren't here with us, we're thankful that you're in the most perfect place and that there you are healed, and you are rejoicing in the presence of God.

Love,

Mommy

That Simple Question

As you can tell Andrew has been on my mind a lot lately. Tomorrow will be his birthday and all I can think about his him and how much I miss him. Being a grieving mother you are faced with many situations that just make you uncomfortable. There is always the baby showers, the pregnant women that are just naive to the fact that something bad could ever happen, and then there are the women that totally take for granted their children and how being a mother is truly a wonderfuul blessing. I think for me one of the hardest places I find myself is when I'm asked the simple question, "How many children do you have?" ('How many children do I have? I have three but one is in heaven.) Did I really want to go there? Did I want to have this conversation with someone I didn't really know- someone who asked a simple question and probably expected a simple one-word answer? No.- and so I lied."Two.."The second the word left my mouth I felt the air get sucked from my body and I wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. One simple word and it cut me- because I had lied. Why did I lie? I didn't have two children. I had three. If someone else said I had two children I hated it! And here I had done the same thing- answered that question the same way- I acted like he wasn't here. I didn't include him.I felt sick, like I could throw up. That one word brought so much pain, so much guilt and I still can't believe I said it. His own mother who loved him so very much had denied his existence. When I had been telling everyone, everywhere about him- in this one simple question I felt like I had undone it all and I was ashamed.I knew in that moment that I never again in my lifetime would answer that question without including him. The problem was I didn't know how to answer it. Did I want to go into my heartache with every stranger that I encountered who was probably just making small talk? It took me a long time to find MY right answer to that question and I have to admit that I did not come up with it myself. I actually heard my friend Amy tell someone this when we were at a conference in San Antonio last April. I don't even know if she remembers saying it or if she even knows that I heard her but she gave this response and knew right then and there that this was my way to include Andrew in my answer. Even though that simple question still makes me pause I now have an answer that works for me. By adding two simple words at the end of my answer it seems to be o.k. for me. I am not lying, I am not denying and whenever I answer that question they hear what they need and I hear what I need hear. If you asked me that question today I would answer,"I have two children at home."as my heart would finish what my mouth didn't need to say-and one in heaven.

Always

I have heard the song "Always" by Building 429 several times over the past month playing on K-LOVE. It seems like everytime I get in my car regardless of the time of day this song is playing This song is amazing. The chorus is simple, but powerful. This song captures the real meaning of placing our trust in our Almighty. The part of the song that just stops me in my tracks is these lyrics..

When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said, "He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face"
What was I supposed to say

I was talking to my friend Elizabeth last Thursday and sharing with her my last post on William's birthday. I told her about this song and how I feel like God is giving me a sign but I feel like I'm missing something. As everyone knows this month is very hard to me as we would have been celebrating Andrew's 3rd birthday just next week. If that wasn't enough the his actual due date was 4/29 and this song is by Building 429. When I wrote the previous post I just didn't want to add this part just because I thought it might be too much at the time but once again that all changed on Monday.

On Monday I had the day off because I lost my voice for three days and was unable to work. I decided to take the kids and one of Allyson's friends to open gym. On the way to pick up her friend I was listening to K-LOVE. It just so happens they were replaying an interview that was supposed to have occured on Friday but due to the band having bus issues they missed the interview. The band showed up over the weekend and the interview was taped. I usually don't listen to the radio on Mondays and once again felt like I was supposed to hear this interview. Once I heard the interview I was just amazed how this story was documented by this song.

Here is the interview with Jason Roy the singer of Building 429.

So I truly believe that the Lord is speaking to me during this time and reminding me and even in the midst of the storm, knowing that God would never leave you! Isn't he just AMAZING how HE is ALWAYS there for HIS CHILDREN.

This song "is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Eph 4:29)

Happy 2nd Birthday My Sweet Rainbow Baby

The night after we buried Andrew I had a very vivid dream. I was sitting in a field of flowers watching a little boy that was about 2 or 3 running through the flowers. He has light brown hair, a yellow polo shirt, khaki shorts and brown sandals on (I told you my dream was vivid). As I watched him I realized that it was Andrew and I started to cry in my dream. The little boy ran up to me and gave me a hug. He asked, "Mommy why are you crying". I replied, "I'm in pain because I want you here with me and I miss you so much". The little boy sat in my lap and just held me. He told me "Momma, everything is going to be okay. I will always be with you and I will have a little brother named William that will take care of you." At that point the little boy kissed my cheek and went running through the field. I kept calling his name and tried to get up in my dream to chase him but I couldn't move. He was gone just have fast as he had came.

The 2 months following Andrew's death while I was trying to get pregnant again I would go back to this dream for this was the only hope I had at the time because I was struggling with God and with my faith. The first six weeks was a nightmare because I was in the state of shock and intense grief and I was trying to do things on my terms and not God's plan. On the two month anniversary of the day we buried Andrew I went out to the cemetery. It was the middle of June and the weather was horrible. I was just at the end of my rope. I so badly wanted to hold my baby and so badly wanted to be pregnant again. I literally laid in the mud over his grave and just bawled. I decided at that moment that I was no longer in control and that I had to return to my faith and to God and he will take care of me and that I needed to TRUST him. I then felt a strong feeling of peace come over me. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I knew I was pregnant with my rainbow baby days before any test would come out positive and I knew in my heart and soul this was William. Since I was charting I'm still convinced that I got pregnant that raining night. At that point I had only shared my dream with a couple of people. I didn't even tell Brian about it because I didn't want him to think that I had lost it or that I was just crazy. He had endured enough and I didn't want him to know I was dreaming of Andrew and of this imaginary baby boy. The months went on and I was trying to become attached to this new life even though I had the constant fear that something bad would happen again and I knew I didn't have the strength to go through all that again. We soon found out that we were having another boy and we were thrilled. This little boy would never replace Andrew but this little boy would give us hope and a future. Brian and I had a difficult time with coming up with a name for Andrew so I wanted to start thinking of names for this new baby. I just kept my dream in the back of my head. I wasn't going to use the name because maybe it was just nothing more than all that Xanax running through my body that night. I still had not shared my dream with Brian. I vividly remember sitting on the couch rubbing my belly and hold the Baby Name book. I turned to Brian and asked him if the had thought of any names for this baby and he just turned to me and said, "I think William is a good name". I think my jaw hit the floor. How did he know? I of course called my friends and asked if they had told him and both had not. We never discussed it again and from then on we planned for the arrival of William Luke.

William Luke was born on April 4th just 10 days shy (14th) on what would have been Andrew's first birthday. We found out that William was Group B Strep free on Good Friday which was the day Andrew was born the year before. Andrew was born on Easter weekend and William was brought home Easter weekend. William will never replace his big brother but has truly been a blessing and I thank God everyday for my boys. I have to admit that I wasn't ready to share this story but my friend Amy did a mini photo shoot last week of the kids at the bluebonnet field this picture just stunned me. I wasn't planning on taking pictures with the kids and I was just sitting in the flowers watching her take pictures. Here she caught a brief moment where I was sitting in a flower field with my little boy in a yellow polo shirt and he is kissing me. This is my dream! I have to also add that this is the only picture that Amy played around with photoshop (sorry Amy whatever the MAC version is..lol) so it was like a sign to make sure I really noticed this picture (I know, I'm crazy). I just wanted to share my dream, the story of William's name and take the time to remember my blessings.



The people on the grief support forums have a term for a child born after they’ve lost one-a rainbow baby. That’s what William is to me. He is the rainbow baby. He’s the baby born after Andrew, the baby that represents promise-promise for our family, promise for me, promise for the future, and promise for the world. There will always be pain, but there will also always be joy that follows it, just like the rainbow after the rain. Sometimes it appears right away, and sometimes we have to wait a while to see it. It has been a long, rough storm, but I have my rainbow and we have our future. Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet little boy!

To Everything There is a Season

At 3:30 this morning I woke up from a deep sleep and just stared into the dark room and thought to myself "it is over". I'm still in some sort of shock that KDH is now a Scott and White facility. KDH has been an acute care hospital for Bell County for over 100 years and that will soon be coming to an end. As of 12:01 this morning Brian is officially a S&W employee. I asked him last night how he felt about that and he still isn't sure. I know today will be a little surreal for him going into work. I'm sure in some ways it will feel like the first day of a new job. I just can't imagine that feeling in this situation or even what Brian is going through. Brian just finds it a little humorous that this is all occurring on April 1st---how ironic. As for myself, I knew that this day was going to happen for sometime (almost a year) but that doesn't take away the shock. I have to admit that personally for me I'm a little sad. I'm sad that I'm loosing the hospital where I have birthed my babies and the close knit and family oriented care you have when you go to KDH. I just hope that when things change hands that they don't loose that aspect. Overall, I know this is a great opportunity for both facilities to thrive. Overtime, KDH will be turned into a Children's hospital which will be very beneficial for the community. S&W is looking at going into an agreement with Cooks Children’s in Dallas to share proprietary information so that Cook’s can become an academic facility and S&W can become a successful pediatric hospital. As for our future, we have no idea what that will be. I have learned that it is best for me (and my anxiety) to just pray about it and leave it in God’s hands. I know HE will lead us.

For some reason this song is just stuck in my head…..

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together