That Simple Question

As you can tell Andrew has been on my mind a lot lately. Tomorrow will be his birthday and all I can think about his him and how much I miss him. Being a grieving mother you are faced with many situations that just make you uncomfortable. There is always the baby showers, the pregnant women that are just naive to the fact that something bad could ever happen, and then there are the women that totally take for granted their children and how being a mother is truly a wonderfuul blessing. I think for me one of the hardest places I find myself is when I'm asked the simple question, "How many children do you have?" ('How many children do I have? I have three but one is in heaven.) Did I really want to go there? Did I want to have this conversation with someone I didn't really know- someone who asked a simple question and probably expected a simple one-word answer? No.- and so I lied."Two.."The second the word left my mouth I felt the air get sucked from my body and I wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. One simple word and it cut me- because I had lied. Why did I lie? I didn't have two children. I had three. If someone else said I had two children I hated it! And here I had done the same thing- answered that question the same way- I acted like he wasn't here. I didn't include him.I felt sick, like I could throw up. That one word brought so much pain, so much guilt and I still can't believe I said it. His own mother who loved him so very much had denied his existence. When I had been telling everyone, everywhere about him- in this one simple question I felt like I had undone it all and I was ashamed.I knew in that moment that I never again in my lifetime would answer that question without including him. The problem was I didn't know how to answer it. Did I want to go into my heartache with every stranger that I encountered who was probably just making small talk? It took me a long time to find MY right answer to that question and I have to admit that I did not come up with it myself. I actually heard my friend Amy tell someone this when we were at a conference in San Antonio last April. I don't even know if she remembers saying it or if she even knows that I heard her but she gave this response and knew right then and there that this was my way to include Andrew in my answer. Even though that simple question still makes me pause I now have an answer that works for me. By adding two simple words at the end of my answer it seems to be o.k. for me. I am not lying, I am not denying and whenever I answer that question they hear what they need and I hear what I need hear. If you asked me that question today I would answer,"I have two children at home."as my heart would finish what my mouth didn't need to say-and one in heaven.