Just One Step Back in the Journey

Everyone knows that April was an extremely hard month for me. As soon as William's birthday was over all I could think about was Andrew and relive all of those days in 2006 up until my first Mother's Day without him. Since then I have been doing well. I haven't had any of my little breakdowns where I go hide in my closet and have a good cry. In fact, I haven't even cried at all. I think the month was just so draining that I just had nothing else to feel for the moment. On Saturday I had to take William to the clinic because he hasn't been feeling well since his surgery. As we walked down the hall in the clinic we passed the office door to the pediatrician that was on call and treated Andrew after my delivery. Remember he was the one that misdiagnosed him and said that his symptoms were because he was premature. He was the one that the next morning when Andrew was being resuscitated he was telling me how he was expecting his first grandchild (a boy) in two weeks. Well, on Saturday as we walked past his door there were pictures all over his door of him playing outside with his grandson. It's amazing how one little thing can make you regress back in your stages of grief. I don't like using the typical stages of grief because I don't like the last step of acceptance. I'm mean weather you have lost a loved one or you or a family member is dying from a terminal disease do you truly deep in your heart every accept that? Maybe some people do. For me and as of now I'm not even close to acceptanting this. I like the models where the last step is reorganization or resolution. For me that just seems more realistic. Just like anything in life you always have some set backs. Here is my set back. I'm back to anger. I'm angry that this man gets to make a mistake and gets to go on with his life. I truly hope that one day I will be able to forgive him. I truly do hope that. It's just not going to be today.