Even housework can reflect ones life

Since my Andrew died almost 20 months ago, my house is not as clean as it once was. I used to clean constantly; even the baseboards were dusted on a regular basis. When Andrew died I just did not have the energy to do as much housework, so I did what I could and hoped that no one would notice the baseboards. I also realize that Allyson did not care how clean the house was, but she really seemed to enjoy that mommy spent more time with her reading, talking, snuggling and playing. Before Andrew died I felt that a clean house made me agood mom. After he died, I changed my priorities very quickly. The house will be clean when the children go to college or get married. I will never live in a Martha Stewart or Better Homes and Gardens house. A few weeks ago I was cleaning because Brians' friend was coming over. I cleaned the common areas of the house, only what would seen, the rest would be hidden behind a closed door and a hope that he would not notice that I haven’t dusted or mopped for a while. As I cleaned, I realized that this house is now a reflection of my life. My life fell apart when Andrew died. I am a work in progress to put it back together. The end result is a life that seems “normal” on the outside to the casual observer but if you look real close the hurt and pain are still there. What the world sees is a person who has triumphed over the death of her child, because they only glance. Those who look closely, in the cracks and crevices where the dust settles, see that there is forever a changed person, who will never be complete again until she is reunited with her child.