What I have learned from the Internet

I'm so glad that we have the internet. Here is a list of many things I have learned by email.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan


I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney and Maxine has given us. I can live a better life now because they've told us how to fix everything.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.


I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Flashback Friday

So I'm finally going to try to get on the wagon with the Flashback Friday Photos. This weeks photos are of both Allyson and William getting their first bath in the baby tub. Both kids were almost a month old before their umbilical cord fell off.

I'm so cool..

So remember this post? Brian actually did well and got this for me for Mother's Day. I'm so impressed he got something that I wanted and even before the holiday. He actually didn't mean to give it to me this early but he accidently opened the package when it came in the mail. Either way, I'm excited to finally have this shirt!

Adios Fiesta!

So our vacation to Fiesta...oops I mean conference to San Antonio went well. Here is a picture of our group while still warming up to the fiestivites on Friday night. We did pick up the lady in the orange. She is from the Galveston Poison Center. We all agree that we want to adopt her to the Poison Center in Temple. I think that might be a hard sell considering all we have is Lake Belton and no real beaches.

As far the rest of our time we decided that whatever happens in San Antonio, stays in San Antonio. :)

Viva Fiesta!

So I'm on my way out of town in the morning to go to San Antonio. No we are not going on one of our mini vacations that we have planned for the summer. I'm going out of town for a HAZMAT training with most of the people that I work with. I'm rooming with my friend Amy. Amy is the mom of 5 girls. She is like Super Mom on crack. She home schools her girls and even works at the Poison center. Her youngest is William's age so at one point she was also breastfeeding, doing cloth diapers, and I think making her own baby food (though I was really trying to talk her out of it--she has enough on her plate). I really don't know how she does it all. The best part of having Amy as a friend is that she is real mom. She doesn't try to act perfect like Bree Hodge . I think Amy and I are more like Lynette Scavo meaning we are their for our family and friends and forget to take the time for ourselves. That is why I'm excited to have 2 days with no hubby or kids. It might be training for work but I see it more as a girls weekend and we need it! Heck if you have to be at a conference you might as well do it right. I booked us rooms here and this weekend just happens to be the last weekend of Fiesta!

Oh--can you tell that I'm excited that the writers strike is over! All of my shows are back with new episodes. Don't forget tonight Grey's Anatomy is back!

Hell Has Frozen Over

Last year my brother made the decision not to apply to medical school and changed his career path to pharmacy. The main reason for his decision is that he wanted a career in his life but not for his career to be his life. He is really focused on having a family one day and wants to really be involved with his kids. For only being 23 years old he really does have his head on straight. I can't wait to finally meet the girl that catches my brother. She is really going to be lucky! Jon found out about a month ago that he was accepted to Texas Tech but had also applied to The University of Texas. If you would have told my brother 2 years ago that he would be trying to get into tu he would have just laughed at you. The boy was in the Fightin Texas Aggie band, bugle rank, and a Ross Army Volunteer. He truly bleeds maroon. Saturday morning Brian woke me up to tell me that my cell phone had a text message and it said "Just check my email...Got in!". So hell has frozen over. Jon is leaving Aggieland and going to tu. I think its safe to say he won't be bleeding burnt orange any time soon.

I'm the one that is going to need sedation

If you have been on the kids' website than you know that Allyson is scheduled for tubes in both ears on Tuesday. Allyson has been telling me for about the last 6 weeks that she needed a hearing aid. I just naturally assumed that she wanted hearing aid because she goes to school with twin boys that have hearing aids and she just wants something that she doesn't have. I never actually thought she really needed them. When the doctor came in with her hearing results Allyson asked him if she can "get one of those" as she cupped her hand around her ear. The doctor replied that she might actually need one. My heart just sank. I know that there are worse things in life than your child wearing a hearing aid but I just thought that we have gone through our share of stuff for a while and wondered if we were ever going to catch a break. The doctor said we need to schedule surgery as soon as possible to release some of the pressure on the eardrums so that we wouldn't have any permanent hearing loss. I almost just broke down in tears. I know for him that this is a routine procedure with little risk but when it is your child it just doesn't feel that way. I wasn't concerned so much with the procedure as I am with my child being sedated. I asked about the medications, the dosage, and wanted to know what the absolute worse thing that could happen. I mean ABSOLUTE WORSE. He proceeded to say really nothing but that rarely things happen. I told him I needed to know what those rare things are because I feel like if something rare is going to happen it will happen to me. In my head I'm reacting like my child has been diagnosed with cancer. I know that it's just PE tubes and that everything will be fine but I just have to deal for know with my own crazy thoughts.