Update on the "New and Improved Me"

So a couple of months ago I wrote a blog about changing some things in my life and working on "finding myself" this year. This is my last year to be in my twenties and there are a few things that I don't want to take into my thirties. With the focus being on the grief process we are still going through, dealing with life stressors, and the extra physical weight. So I guess you can say I'm working makig myself "lighter" both physically, spiritually, and emotionally. ;)

For the grief process Brian and I started going back to counseling about a month ago. We are currently going weekly and I think it is really helping to open some doors that we have shut over the past 2 years. We are finding each other again and healing the past. I have to admit that Brian and I lost each other after loosing Andrew. He focused on work and school and I focused on Allyson and my pregnancy. Neither of us were focused on each other. Like I always say we are all a work in progress. We have learned that through our experience we are changed forever but we will come out of this stronger. I also want to thank Elizabeth, Sherri, Millie, and the girls at work (you know who you are) for listening to me and helping me with my journey.

To help deal with my life stressors I'm learning to be less hard on myself. I don't have to be the perfect wife and mother. My friend Tracy has a saying..."It is what it is" so like it or not this is me flaws and all. I'm taking time out from my role as a wife and a mother to focus on me. I love having my monthly Mom's night out with the girls and have even started going to the gym (okay don't fall out of your chair laughing). This is my time to clear my head and it does make me a more sain person. :)

Since the middle of January I have really been focused on loosing some weight. I'm really impressed with myself that I have been doing this for almost 6 weeks. I think the longest I have every attempt to exercise or acknowledge what I ate has been for about 3 days. I'm happy to say that as of this morning I have lost 20 pounds! Again my friend Tracy has been my inspiration. She is a great person, an awesome mom and a "real" person. She lost some weight last year and looks awesome. When I don't feel like working out I just think of her. She is doing it and taking the kids with her to the gym. Thank you Tracy!!! I also want to thank Millie who is totally the reason I now am a member of a gym and actually have a trainer for the next 6 weeks. It's great to have a friend right beside you as your getting your butt kicked at the gym. Thanks girls!

Where does the time go?

I can't believe that it has almost been 3 weeks since my last post. As you can tell once Brian is back in school we barely have time for anything. Things are going well. I have updated about the kids on their website. Thanks for all of the comments via email. Seems like it is hard to comment on this blog without signing up. So if you would like to comment just email me and I can post it on here (or just keep it private :) ). Don't forget to check out my favorite things. I'm going to make an attempt to post more often on my list. This time of year is still my seasonal down time. I hate the weather. It's still cold and raining ( I know Elizabeth is rolling her eyes at me since she lives in Seattle) but it really makes it hard for me to be motivated (okay now other are rolling their eyes thinking that me unmotivated is still very motivated). For me this is my down time. I can't wait for summer!

Please pray for these familes

This week has been a difficult week for my Group B Strep family. I have met many people on the internet that have GBS angels and also have childrens that are GBS survivors. One of our GBS heroes is a little 6 year old name Allison. Allison became ill with late GBS when she was 19 days old. She has had many stuggles in her life. Last week she came down with pneumonia and passed away last Friday. Thankfully she did not suffer this time and now she is free from her pain.

The second is baby Gabby. Gabby is now 3 months old. Gabby contracted GBS when she was 2 months old. On Jan. 4th she was diagnosed with being deaf and blind. The doctors stated that she would never eat or talk on her own. This morning I got an email from her mother stating that she got an infection in her tube and that there is little that can be done. They are going to continue her oxygen but not positive pressure oxygen. They have signed the paper to allow natural death. That just seems like such an oxymoron to me to sign natural death papers for your child. How can that be natural? Life is just not fair. Please pray for Gabby's parents. They have spent the last four week in the ICU. Please pray that little Gabby makes a peaceful journey in becoming an angel.

Thank you Secret Peanut Gallery

This morning I woke up and my inbox was filled with emails commenting on this post. I just want to thank my secret "peanut gallery" and I do know that I'm not alone in my journey. :)

It was only a dream

I haven't posted in a while because for some reason something in life always comes up. During the rest of the year I do my best to do little things to remember Andrew and to celebrate his short time on this earth. For some reason during this time of year all I can do is grieve and think about how much I miss him. Unless you have lost a child you can never truly grasp what one goes through. I know before I lost Andrew I would think about how awful it would be if something happened to one of my children but until it really does you truly cannot grasp what it feels like to walk through the valley of death and grieve. I try to do something during this time to help me and our family remember him during this time. I did well all throughout Christmas and coming into the beginning of the year. All it took was just one small thoughtless comment that a family member made in just an instant and it has been on my mind ever since. I have had many sleepless night over this so I thought that I would blog.....



It was New Years Eve and we were with some family members. Allyson was having a conversation with a family member who will remained nameless in order to keep the peace. Here is how the conversation went.



A: (??), we took a Christmas tree to Andrew

??: Who's Andrew? (she said looking at me)

R: Andrew was our baby

??: What baby?

R: The baby we lost

??: Oh, I new the name sounded familiar



Okay, for the casual aquaintance I would not expect for them to remember but for an immediate family member, come on. I of course told Brian a few days later of the situation because I wanted him to at least have the persone acknowledge how that was hurtful but of course nothing happened. It has been three weeks since this incident and it still on my mind. I know that I need to get over it. I know that this person did not mean to hurt me intentionally but still it hurt. I guess because this has been on my mind I have started to have dreams of all three children playing together. In our playgroup we have a little boy that was born the same week as Andrew. I see Allyson interacting with him and of course I just let my mind go there for a bit and just wonder. I see all of the things the little boy is doing and just think about what it would have been like to have all three with me. I have started to have dreams of all three children playing together. The first dream was last week. We were all playing in a park together. It was the first time since loosing Andrew that I felt like I was whole again and was so happy. Last night my dream was that I had gave everyone a bath and were were all in bed snuggling together reading a book. Waking up from these dreams really puts me in a bad place and all I can do is cry. Don't get me wrong I know how truly blessed I am to have Allyson and William. I also know that Andrew is in a better place and in his case his passing was the best for him. I have met so many people online that have GBS babies that did survive and how they are having to deal with all of the blindness, deafness, seizure, feeding tubes and so on. I would never wanted him to live in such pain and would gladly take the pain on myself in order to not have a child have to suffer. So I will live with my dreams but know that one day my dream will come true when we all go home to our Lord and will be reunited in his kingdom.

No Love from the Peanut Gallery

Okay some of my friends have mentioned to me about reading my blog. Just wanted to make sure that you noticed the comment section at the end of each blog and please leave a comment.

Totally a Copycat

Today I was going to my blog to start a list of my favorite things. While thinking of my favorite things for this year I was lurking on Tracy'sblog and came across her favorite list. I decided instead of just a blog on the topic to start a running list. I love looking at favorite lists that people write and usually find something that I just have to have. Hope you have fun looking at mine. I will update it frequently so make it part of your daily detour.