It was only a dream

I haven't posted in a while because for some reason something in life always comes up. During the rest of the year I do my best to do little things to remember Andrew and to celebrate his short time on this earth. For some reason during this time of year all I can do is grieve and think about how much I miss him. Unless you have lost a child you can never truly grasp what one goes through. I know before I lost Andrew I would think about how awful it would be if something happened to one of my children but until it really does you truly cannot grasp what it feels like to walk through the valley of death and grieve. I try to do something during this time to help me and our family remember him during this time. I did well all throughout Christmas and coming into the beginning of the year. All it took was just one small thoughtless comment that a family member made in just an instant and it has been on my mind ever since. I have had many sleepless night over this so I thought that I would blog.....



It was New Years Eve and we were with some family members. Allyson was having a conversation with a family member who will remained nameless in order to keep the peace. Here is how the conversation went.



A: (??), we took a Christmas tree to Andrew

??: Who's Andrew? (she said looking at me)

R: Andrew was our baby

??: What baby?

R: The baby we lost

??: Oh, I new the name sounded familiar



Okay, for the casual aquaintance I would not expect for them to remember but for an immediate family member, come on. I of course told Brian a few days later of the situation because I wanted him to at least have the persone acknowledge how that was hurtful but of course nothing happened. It has been three weeks since this incident and it still on my mind. I know that I need to get over it. I know that this person did not mean to hurt me intentionally but still it hurt. I guess because this has been on my mind I have started to have dreams of all three children playing together. In our playgroup we have a little boy that was born the same week as Andrew. I see Allyson interacting with him and of course I just let my mind go there for a bit and just wonder. I see all of the things the little boy is doing and just think about what it would have been like to have all three with me. I have started to have dreams of all three children playing together. The first dream was last week. We were all playing in a park together. It was the first time since loosing Andrew that I felt like I was whole again and was so happy. Last night my dream was that I had gave everyone a bath and were were all in bed snuggling together reading a book. Waking up from these dreams really puts me in a bad place and all I can do is cry. Don't get me wrong I know how truly blessed I am to have Allyson and William. I also know that Andrew is in a better place and in his case his passing was the best for him. I have met so many people online that have GBS babies that did survive and how they are having to deal with all of the blindness, deafness, seizure, feeding tubes and so on. I would never wanted him to live in such pain and would gladly take the pain on myself in order to not have a child have to suffer. So I will live with my dreams but know that one day my dream will come true when we all go home to our Lord and will be reunited in his kingdom.