The Last Lecture

Last night Brian and I laid in bed and watched The Last Lecture on Dateline which told the story of Randy Pausch and his battle with pancreatic cancer. I have watched his story before but I sat there last night and sobbed for this man and his family. It just hit me so hard that his three kids will grow up without their father and what an amazing father he seems to be. During his interview Pausch stated "The metaphor I've used is ... somebody's going to push my family off a cliff pretty soon, and I won't be there to catch them. And that breaks my heart. But I have some time to sew some nets to cushion the fall. So, I can curl up in a ball and cry, or I can get to work on the nets." This statement reminded me of something I wrote right after Andrew's death and I thought this is as good as any time to share this.

The week following Andrew's death I took a lot of time to think about my life and myself as a person. At the time I was filled with guilt, anger, and denial but most of all I was filled with a sense of failure. For me this was truly new ground. I have never considered myself a failure. My parents had instilled in me that I able to achieve anything in life with a hard work and determination. Here I was at 28 years old trying to achieve my most valuable dream of having a happy and healthy family and I failed. I failed my dream but most of all I felt like I failed Andrew and he paid the price. My extreme sense of failure as a mother made me start to question my ability to raise Allyson. I was so fearful that my grief and depression was going to drastically change the person that I was or that another freak accident would happen to our family that Allyson would not truly know who her mother was. I know that a child's most influencial role model is their same sex parent and I was determined that if some freak accident was going to occur again to our family that I would leave behind something, no matter how small, so that she would know something about her mother and how much she meant to me. Over the next few days following Andrew's death and planning for his funeral I would lay in bed thinking of him and praying for the future of my daughter and my family. I have pretty much convinced myself that I was probably in some manic state at the time. I was not sleeping much and looking back that time is pretty much a blur. After writing the letter I told Brian about it and where it was in case something ever happend and that I wanted Allyson to have it. Even Brian has never read this letter. It is just something that I thought I would share at this time.
April 2006
To My Allyson,

As I gaze upon your face, touch your hair and smell it's sweet smell, look into those beautiful eyes and see myself looking back, I am struck by how much life has in store for you. There are lessons that you must learn on your own and there are lessons that I hope I can teach you, to give you a firm foundation for whatever the years will bring.

I ask myself, what can I tell this wonderful child about life, what things are important to know, what little bit of truth can I pass on to you? What can I write here that will have meaning, if not now, then in the years to come?

Life is more interesting and richest when it includes people who are not exactly like you. Everyone is different; everyone has their own beliefs and values. Not everyone will accept this--ever. Be one of the ones who does.

Understand that life is unfair and you can't change that. The idea of an amusement park ride may be a lot more fun than the ride itself. Things happen and there's nothing you can do about some of it except persevere. Life does go gloriously onward. It's important to mark the occasion, good or bad. Anniversaries, with their associated ceremonies and remembrances, are part of honoring the human experience.

Things sometimes happen for no reason. When you feel yourself getting upset/angry/frustrated, ask yourself, "How much will this really matter to me in a day? A week? A month?" Asking helps you gain perspective. Screaming obscenities at traffic will not get you there any faster. Things break. Maps can be wrong. Food and crumbs can be swept or vacuumed up. Socks need not match to keep little toes warm. Spilled milk takes well to a paper towel. Books were meant to be chewed on or even colored on. Pots and pans serve as perfect entertainment. Eating food off of the floor isn't going to kill your child. Screaming children eventually will quiet down.

There is no shame in admitting that you need help. Don't be afraid to ask for it and don't be afraid to help someone who needs it. A lot of bad things happen in the world because people are afraid to get involved. Care about others and give them a hand when they need it. Sometimes all they need is a chance to help themselves and you can be the one enables that!

There comes a point where you know yourself (and I'm still not at this point). It's something you “age” into. I’m learning that this is one of the many benefits of aging so embrace it. At that point you know that where you're from isn't the same as who you are. What you have isn't the same as who you are. Who you're with isn't the same as who you are. What you do isn't the same as who you are. It is very important to like and love yourself. Either learn to like the person you are, or change yourself to be more like the person you want to be. Only you can truly make yourself happy.

Your life will be what you chose to make of it. Never let other people's expectations limit your achievements and never waste energy regretting that which can't be undone. Life has different stages, make your choices such as they are and strive to do your best. Understand that you will likely never be the best at everything. Always ask for what you want, whether it's a job or help from your partner. No one will know what is bothering you unless you tell them. Most people can’t read minds. Life is not as short as you think. You do have time for a second career, a second choice, a second chance. Maybe more. The only thing that is certain is death all other things can be changed. You can make things happen if you want to.

Everyone, including children, deserves respect. Even people who you think don't know a thing can teach you a great deal. You are no better than another person just because you have a higher degree, nicer car, nicer house, or more money in the bank. What truly counts is what is in your heart. Give others the benefit of the doubt, in the hopes that the favor is returned to you someday. Doing at least one nice thing every day will do wonders for you, something as little as smiling at a stranger on the street or letting someone into traffic in front of you.

If you need somebody to act a certain way, treat them as though they already do. Adult or child, people love to live up to expectations.

Except for "I love you", I'm sorry" or "How can I help?" try to eliminate the word "I" from your conversations. Never say "I told you so".

The only person whose approval you should really seek is your own. Most of the time, you get what you give. There are people who will draw whatever conclusions they want to. No matter how you dress, look or act, there will always be those who approve and those who don't. Don’t waste you time on trying to win the approval of others. Only the Lord above is the only one that could judge and even he does not. Never ask someone's opinion if what you're truly seeking is their approval. Never be mad at someone for stating an opinion when you asked for it. Be honest in your relationships, but don't cause unecessary hurt.

Judge by actions, not by words. Actions always speak louder. Someone who is nice to you but rude to the waiter or a janitor is not a nice person. Recognize that despite all your best efforts, you cannot control the lives of others or know what is best for any person other than yourself. Be content with just controlling yourself. Listening to friends and family will bring you closer to them and enrich you more than talking at them will.

Marriage is work. Marriage takes effort. You deserve to love someone who loves you back, anything less is not good enough. A true partnership is not something that just happens - it’s a full time job, it is work, and it is hard. Marriage requires that both partners have the utmost respect for one another, implicit trust in each other and a willingness to compromise. It’s okay to love a man who doesn't dote on you and still have a very happy marriage. When you think you’re ready to start looking for a spouse, look at your friends first. Figure out which qualities you like, love and admire in your longest lasting friends. Look for those qualities in a spouse. Marry your friend. Friendship is the most enduring aspect of marriage.

Being a parent is an awesome experience and privilege. But even with all the absolute love and happiness a child creates, some people should never be parents. You don't have to be good with scissors, paper, beans, crayons, glue, etc., to be a good parent. You can be a good parent by sharing your favorite activities with your child. You are here to love, nurture, feed, cloth, shelter, and teach your children. Hold them, rock them, cuddle them as much as you want. It won't be long before their need to explore outweighs your desire to hold them near you. The love and loyalty you feel for your children will far surpass anything else you'll ever feel. Your children's faces are the most beautiful things you'll ever see.

If you chose to have children, remember that "No" means “No”, but enough doesn't always mean what you think it means. Be careful of little ears. They hear more than you think they do. Just remember that when they reach your last nerve to just step back and take a breath. . Screaming, yelling or spanking will only break their spirit, will make you feel horrible, and doesn’t accomplish a thing.

Never, ever make a promise you don't intend to keep. Kids have the memory of an elephant. If you tell your daughter at age six that she can have a horse of her own when she turns sixteen, she will remember the day, time, circumstances and exact wording of the promise and repeat them to you on her 16th birthday (trust me I know what I'm talking about). Children are entitled to bad days. Don't ever tell your child there's nothing to fear. Children have every right to be scared of anything they want just like you and me. It really doesn't matter at what age your child gives up the bottle, breast, or was potty trained. Your child will not go to kindergarten in diapers or walk the halls with a bottle. At age 6 or 7 or 17, no one will know or care about those things. Don’t compare you child to other’s children in the long run these things really do not matter.

Every family has its flaws. When you recognize them, work through it, get over it and move on. You define your relationship to your family, much as you define your friendships. My parents are not perfect, and never were. They are human and flawed, and made mistakes raising me. I am not perfect, and never will be. I am human and flawed, and will make mistakes raising you. You will not be a perfect parent either. Apologizing to your child(ren) when you've made a mistake is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Don't live your life expecting everyone and everything to be perfect. Your standards are your standards, be realistic and don't feel guilty if you don't live up to anyone else's. Trust your instincts where your life is concerned. Listen to your inner voice and know your true self.

Let your children be less than perfect. You may want to have the perfect child, but one who is happy and a joy to be around is even better. Time is an awesome commodity. It mends wounds, and it gives you energy. Every day is a miracle. Don’t waste any. Find some way to appreciate life every single day. Savor the really special moments/times in life so that they become a part of your everyday life. Relive the happy moments from your childhood now and then. Go to the zoo. Go to the museum. Throw rocks into the water. Lay in the grass and stare at the sky. Be bored sometimes. Never, ever take those you love for granted you truly don’t know how much time you have. Tell them you love them TODAY, give them a hug TODAY. Take time to appreciate why you love those you love...and tell them!

Hearts are infinitely expandable, they hold as many people as you chose. Don’t be afraid to love because you might get hurt. The saying “it is better to love and lost than never to love at all” holds true. Everyone comes into your life for a reason you just might not know the reason at that time.

Don't forget to show your pets how much you love them too.

Take care of yourself , your partner and you as a couple, and your family. Make time for yourself, time alone with your partner, time for your family together.

There's nothing wrong with having a job instead of a career. Be proud of a job well done even if it won't change the world or move you up the ladder of success. Do what makes you happy as a person not just something that may impress others.

Tomorrow is not promised to us, so live your life as though today is all you have. Grief and loss can make people either bitter or incredibly grateful for what they've had, either way, it's a choice.

It's not important for everyone to "get" you. Its okay for you, your child, your parenting decisions to be different.

Pick your battles. Some are worth winning, some are not, some you'll never win. Expend your energy wisely. No one likes someone who wins all the time, so pick which battles you don't mind losing. It goes a long way towards getting cooperation when something is important to you.

When buying work clothes at the beginning of your career, buy only classic pieces. Make sure they are good quality, stick with basic colors. Every year, add a few new shirts that are the latest colors and change your shoes to keep updated. Dress one level above your job. Always keep your chin up no matter what!

Find medical professionals you like and trust, do your own research and trust your feelings. If something feels wrong trust your feelings. Seek a second opinion or do whatever you feel needs to be done in order to receive the best healthcare for you and your family.

Remember I will always be your biggest supporter and love you more than life itself!

Last but not least… chocolate is a very inexpensive way to raise your spirit when down.

Love,
Mom
Now if anyone made it this far than I'm truly amazed. :)